September 1, 2025: Fed Reaches Inflation Target, Cheese Sandwich Costs $120

Editor’s Note: This article is satire … possibly.

In stock market news, toilet paper manufacturers continued rallying while tech and luxury-brand stocks continued their slide to decade lows.

September 1, 2025: The Federal Reserve announced that the nation’s inflation rate has finally reached its target of 3%, after seasonal and hedonic adjustments. “The brief period of modestly higher inflation from 2022 to 2025 has drawn to a close, and we are confident that the inflation rate can be maintained at 3%.”

When asked about the disparity between the official rate of inflation and soaring prices in the real world, the spokesperson declined to comment, referring reporters to a dossier of academic studies issued by the Fed over the past two years.

One heckler shouted, “We can’t eat academic studies!”

In local news, the city council announced that a new building providing permanent housing for the homeless has been financed by Grayrock.

Grayrock, with $72 trillion under management, serves America’s burgeoning billionaire class which has largely side-stepped the inflationary devastation visited upon most households.

The city spokesperson said, “We’re thrilled to secure these 24 units of new permanent housing for the homeless at a cost of only $3 million per unit, thanks to the financing offered by Grayrock.”

As part of the deal, Grayrock will take ownership of City Hall and adjacent properties. A permit for the building is expected to be approved within four years, as there are 17 different federal, state, county and city agencies that must sign off on the project.

The homeless population, estimated at 10,000, was unavailable for comment.

Another abandoned office tower caught fire and burned to a blackened shell, causing the evacuation of dozens of squatters who had rigged electrical wiring and cable service from an abandoned high-tech server center which was shut down when the AI bubble burst.

One of the squatters said, “I used to work at that server center. This building was the only affordable housing in this whole city. Now where do we go?”

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Smokey’s Cafe and Grill
Today’s Specials!

Toasted Cheese Sandwich: $120
Coke: $30
Luxury Tax: $25
total: $175

BBQ sandwich: (no pink goo, the real deal) $180
Draft beer: $70
Luxury Tax: $50
total: $300

Delivery via armored vehicle available.

The fire department’s investigative bureau is backlogged due to the extraordinary number of foreclosed office buildings that have caught fire recently.

In stock market news, toilet paper manufacturers continued rallying while tech and luxury-brand stocks continued their slide to decade lows.