Mike Adams
Natural News

As the reputation of the U.S. government is now in shambles, the feds are turning to the same bait-and-switch tactics used by the Corn Refiners Association as they tried to rename High Fructose Corn Syrup to the more innocent sounding “corn sugar.” The federal government no longer wants to be called a “government” at all. Instead, you’re supposed to refer to them as your “federal family.”

Seriously. This is the word from FEMA, which announced last week, “Under the direction of President Obama and Secretary Janet Napolitano, the entire federal family is leaning forward to support our state, tribal and territorial partners along the East Coast.”

Family? Really? Sort of like an organized crime family, perhaps?

Let’s take a look at this family, shall we?

Note: This article is obviously satire. All photos used herein are presented under Fair Use for the purpose of public commentary and satire.

Father Obama

First there’s Father Obama. He runs the family’s finances, and that’s why the entire family is irreversibly bankrupt and forever on the verge of being evicted from their home which is about to be repossessed by the bank.

Father Obama sounds like he knows what he’s talking about, but he’s actually completely clueless. Every time he mandates that the family do something, the outcome is disastrous.

One time he ordered everybody in the family to buy all their own health insurance, threatening to take away their allowance money if they didn’t. Another time, he launched bottle rockets at the neighbor’s house on July 4th, setting their roof on fire and burning their house to the ground. It turned out he was trying to get the local kids hired as part of the house reconstruction team and claimed to be engaged in “creating jobs” for the neighborhood.

Big Sis Janet Napolitano

Don’t wrestle with your big sis Janet. She’s got the skin of a mutant rhinoceros and the face of a Roman battering ram. She’s the “muscle” of the criminal family, complete with bad breath and everything.

When you come home late on a Friday night, she insists on searching your pockets for weed, then interrogating you on where you’ve been and why you think you have the right to travel at all.

She’s also big on surveillance, so she runs a series of secret nanny cams throughout your house to gather evidence on you and tattle to your parents. She keeps a secret database of all your violations and threatens to use them against you to get what she wants, which just happens to be personally conducting “enhanced pat-downs” on other women.

When she’s not busy spying on her siblings, Big Sis Janet is hanging out behind the local bowling alley, selling the weed she confiscated from her brother to raise money to support her S&M fetish. She wields a baseball bat and carries a set of brass knuckles to remind the locals who’s in charge.

Uncle Ben Bernanke

Uncle Ben Bernanke is the dodgy white collar criminal of the family who runs an illicit printing press in the basement, cranking out counterfeit hundred dollar bills and hoping he won’t get caught by the U.S. Treasury Department.