Genetic Tae Kwon Do – Lassie the Luminiferous (Satire)

Article Source from The Register

“Tesla Beagle” / image source – EIA

Owen Myles, Contributing Writer

If you are a dog owner, at some point you’ve undoubtedly wanted to see it emit light. Any reasonable lover of canines would; after all, is not Sirius the brightest star? In this modern age, who can expect unmatched loyalty, persistent love, and unique personality to compensate our desire to see something glow? It is a neon paradigm in which we live, and dogs are just too primitive. It will require far more than a boring heap of feisty affectionate fur to maintain our interests, and that’s that.

But rather than abandoning “man’s best friend” to the concentration camps of pounds and rendering-facilities, we’ve finally discovered how to add that extra feature they’ve been missing all along. A team at Seoul University has managed not only to make your pet glow, but has also provided a bio-switch which can be activated when you want light, or deactivated when you wish to avoid the envy of your friends. Yes, you can now turn your animal on and off.

The downside is that it will not be instant just yet. The switch currently operates through feeding methods, and requires time to metabolize throughout the toy. Do not let this discourage you; there is no need to ever turn your dog off in the first place, and as long as you regularly add the correct ingredients it will continue to provide consistent entertainment. But if that all seems too much,……..

For those of you who get tired of the same old dog, an alternative form of radiation-based illumination is available. Many prefer this method as it glows around the clock, and no special ingredients are required. Of course the object will undergo rapid decay, and a replacement will be needed more often than with the less expensive biological-based counterpart. Some critics have pointed out the higher output of the radioactive versions, but others say it is the quality of light that matters most. The good news is that the choice is yours.

Animal rights activists have expressed concerns regarding the ethics of this new technology, and that a holographic alternative would be more appropriate. They say this is based on the fact that prospective owners are sufficiently detached from the dog itself, and could be just as happy with a virtual toy, especially if the sound was performed through Bose sound systems. They have also noted that the testing methods of this new technology might involve animal cruelty. Master “Kim Jong License-to-ill” has responded with the following statement:

All of the test subjects were certified by the rabbinical court to have been obstinate attorneys in past lives, and would have otherwise been sentenced to death by stoning. It has therefore been established that all testing processes fall not only well within ethical manufacturing regulations, but exceed those of North Korean civilians, specifically in caloric intake and general liberties.

The Eastern Animal Rights Agency has strongly disagreed, and has issued the following statement:

A dog is more than the sum of its light. It is a living object, which should not be purchased based solely upon its output.

Such statements have been dismissed by Monsanto, Raytheon, and Microsoft as unfounded accusations, hate-speech, and attempts to interfere with commerce. The president of Japan says he doesn’t know what all the fuss is about, and thinks it is as cute as dolphin pie. Currently, all dogs are on backorder, and availability involves a one-week waiting list as the objects are incubated in Chinese laboratories.

The Eccentric Intelligence Agency: Helping the Ouroboros finish itself.

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