How not to have an awakening: Writing Contest

Ten years ago, my first awakening symptom was a compulsion to Google David Icke. I knew nothing about him but on finding his website something in me understood he was about the world. Another symptom was seeing the numbers 11:11. On Googling them I hurtled headlong into the new age. I wept in the toilets at work on realising I was a “lightworker come home”. I miss that time. My heart was opening. Spiritually innocent, I loved unconditionally. Synchronicities abounded: there were healers, white magicians and phenomena as the love and light within me cracked open. I experienced wonders you might not believe.  

If you’re getting synchronicities, consider cleaning your life up.

At that time, I was honouring my ancestral conditioning by freeloading on the back of my husband. I was terrified of getting trapped into a 9-5 job. As my awakening pushed me farther out and away from the illusion, Alan grew very drunk and very angry. One moment we’d been chilling out around Ibizan pools, the next I was swathed in white visiting Brazilian miracle healers. I filled our flat with books containing conversations with God, extra-terrestrials and other “nutters”. I gave up my part-time job to smoke joints at home, reading. Alan grew drunker and angrier. In denial of my inability to take responsibility I flipped into victim consciousness. I became a patronising, holier-than martyr bestowing forgiveness and healing upon my drunken abuser. Alan said, “I knew our marriage was over the moment you stopped coming to the pub with me.”

Once my £10 000 (more than generous – I hadn’t contributed) settlement had cleared, I went back to basics. In order to organise my own cannabis I moved into the one of the most squalid square hectares of the roughest area of the city, located the local criminals and acquired a self-destructive rebound relationship. Our one thing in common was that we were David Icke fans. Still terrified of the 9-5, I prepared some 1950s channellings I’d been given. I’d never intended to start channelling myself but sentences like, “Our leaders are obsessed with money and power” just kept coming through. I was shown the conspiracy – the world seemed to be caught in a huge black web – and hurtled down the rabbit hole. I fixated on Svali, the Mind Control forums, SRA, Dulce. I lost normal friends and family: my brother-in-law, a Deacon of the Catholic Church, was just not interested in hearing what they were doing to babies in the Vatican catacombs.

I started having out-of-body-experiences. And tuning into the animals’ death throes as I walked down Tesco’s meat aisles. Chickens have it worst. Eating became too much trouble. Instead, I added five huge reefers a day to my plonk diet. Having once been eating disordered I was no stranger to bingeing. One of the local criminals grew skunk and was shaking his free leftovers onto my worktops. Yet skinning up one breakfast time, I heard a voice command, “It’s time you stopped smoking.” A bolt of light hit my spine and from that moment I have been unable to put anything burning near my mouth. My 20-year-old 20-a-day smoking habit was eliminated in a microsecond. No one believed me. People still congratulate my willpower.

My head was clearing but not the 9-5 phobia. I tested the market for 1950s channellings. There wasn’t one. Except for one esoteric teacher (ET), who had to see me urgently. She was receiving communications from an Ascended Master. He said the world was going to flood in 2012. Humanity was going to be eliminated. Well, nearly all except her group. Who were fleeing to the North Pole. It was my job to inform the world. Of course I was drawn in – the ET said people who’d had eating disorders and drink and drug problems suffered from higher consciousness and that sounded attractive. Like you spent your life believing you were worse then everyone else when you were actually better. Great!

Fortunately, not many people believed me about the floods. Or the higher consciousness. Or wanted to sell up and move to the North Pole. So I found casual work in a fitness club. The ET had suggested self-purification: steamroom, sun and kundalini yoga certainly ramped up my mystical experiences. That summer, as I sold verruca socks, I was shown the workings of the Universe. Handing out sunbed Winkees, I experienced the nature of Truth and Reality. One morning I had to stop under a chestnut tree as golden light and information downloaded into my crown chakra. But I stalled the experience because I had to get on with opening the gym.

I didn’t understand that the ET was trying to help my higher self overcome my shadow self. But she’d assumed I did understand, that I knew more than I did. Communications were scrambled. Put it this way: if you were a dark Ascended Master wanting to mess up people’s awakenings, gulling teachers like the ET into hooking in people like me would have been efficient. Even worse, as the ET believed she’d been chosen her to announce the end of the world, she looked seriously miserable. So instead of listening to her and co-operating, I found her kind of vulnerable. My lower self played the ultimate “hands off” check mate….and fell in love with her. I grew obsessed by her beauty and light. My lesbian crush was harmless – I even repressed fantasising in case she picked up pornographic thought forms on my astrals. But it wasn’t OK so she pushed me out of her gang.

At this point, my rising kundalini and hieros gamos were in full swing. But I just could not stop the negative thoughts: pushed out by ET – failed – my bad – unrequited – dumped by Masters – ostracised. I stopped sleeping. One bath time I could only feel the hot on the right hand side of my body. An eye stopped working. Scans found nothing wrong. Turns out I disabled myself – my negative thoughts had damaged my right brain and arrested my awakening. It took months to walk and see properly. I begged the ET for help but she told me to get lost.

I cannot describe the depths of despair I felt in losing my chance to awaken fully. For in awakening, we lighten up the world for others, making it easier for them to awaken. I sank further into breakdown – I’d messed up a lifetime. What about the karma? Why should I bear the consequences of the ET’s delusions? I cried. For months. Couldn ‘t stop. My face changed. I lost my job. My flat grew infested with cockroaches. I got into debt paying for useless healing and counselling. Desperate to understand what was happening to me, I fired off long, crazy emails. But no one could or would help. Until after my third week staring down at the railway lines I contacted a website displaying good quality esoteric material: the owner, an occultist and Federal Executive of the US government, was kind. Drop everything new age and wait for three days, he said…..they were the longest days of my life.

I can help you, he said. Someone has performed black magic against you (probably one of your local criminals). The easiest way to explain it is that something negative outside seems to be stuck into some negative energy on your inside. If I tell you any more I’ll lose my powers. Instead, I’ll offer you some high vibrational energy. Meditate on it – it will help. And by the way, the world isn’t going to flood in 2012 – that’s just an astral thought form.

I owe this skilled practitioner my life. His high vibrational energy resumed my life. Overnight.

Since then, I’ve been recovering. At the moment I feel that I’m in lower consciousness than ever. But through my experience I found my life’s work. And it’s not 9-5. And at least I’m alive to check the David Icke headlines every day and watch the rest of the world awakening.