New Design: Tucker Carlson + Democracy Quotes for the People

“Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”
– George Carlin

Before we dive into the democracy quotes, consider this very important stuff I’ve written.

Long has mankind grasped at the ideal form of government. The first was pelting unpopular tribesmen with rocks. (This form of governance is still implemented in certain parts of the world today.) We eventually realized that government could become far more efficient if we sharpened our rocks before throwing them, and then a bunch of ancient Greeks got bombed off a vat of wine and came up with democracy. The morning after they wished they had invented aspirin and blue Powerade instead.

Democracy: “rule by the people.” Under this form of government, citizens decide on important legislation or choose from a class of other people called “politicians” to decide on important legislation on their behalf. In the latter case, politicians will carefully consider how their constituents would like them to vote, and then vote however the corporations and special interest groups which financed their election campaigns would prefer.

Is democracy perfect? A democratic government is ultimately as good as the people who participate in it, so, in a word, no. You’re obviously very smart, but imagine just how staggeringly stupid most other people seem to be. And their votes all count just as much as yours – unless you live in California, in which case your vote is worth about one-third as much as a Wyomingite’s.

Is democracy the best form of government? Maybe. Your own opinion of it largely hinges on which McPoliticalParty™ you prefer, and how well it did in the previous Free & Fair Election™. Ultimately, the only ideal form of government is dictatorship, and in that case, it’s only ideal for the dictator. But because too few of us are charismatic enough to ever become dictators, democracy will just have to do for now.

Democracy Quotes for the People, by Libertas Bella

“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.” – Winston Churchill
“Real liberty is neither found in despotism or the extremes of democracy, but in moderate governments.” – Alexander Hamilton
“Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.” – James Bovard
“Where a majority are united by a common sentiment, and have an opportunity, the rights of the minor party become insecure.” – James Madison

Merch Inspired By Tucker Carlson

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My name is Mx. Felicia Freeman-Hadid-Blutarsky. I’m a professor of women’s studies at Barnard College, and my pronouns are indecipherable without the aid of a Turing machine. I’ve recently published a new book titled Men: Worse Than Hitler?, which presents a rational argument in favor of grinding all men into a fine paste that will be used to lubricate the wheels on plus-sized POCs’ Rascal™ mobility scooters.

I’ve been promoting my book on all the mainstream news outlets: NPR, PBS, The Village Voice, People’s World, and Trader Joe’s Fearless Flyer. I was apprehensive about appearing on Fox News, which I understand is run by people who are too racist to join the Ku Klux Klan, but felt reassured when I saw a photo of the … man … who would interview me. He wears a bow tie just like Louis Farrakhan, so I figured he couldn’t be that bad.

I thought the interview was going great. But halfway through explaining why NASA should build a rocket ship large enough to contain all men and then shoot it into the sun, that man asked me a question I had never heard before: “Why?” He then made this inscrutable expression – eyebrows lowered, mouth slightly agape – and for the first time in my life I questioned my beliefs. It was the worst thing I have ever experienced – even worse than when I attended the premiere of An Inconvenient Truth while I was tripping on mushrooms.

I’m here to tell you not to buy Tucker Carlson merchandise. If you do, then so help me Goddess, I will get so triggered that you will never hear the end of it.