State Department Issues Holiday Travel Alert for All U.S. Citizens Visiting the U.S. (Satire)

The U.S. Department of State routinely issues travel alerts to nations that pose a threat to U.S. citizens. Today they issued a shocking worldwide travel alert for U.S. citizens and non-citizens traveling to, and inside, the United States. This unprecedented announcement comes as heavy holiday season travel is underway, and the State Department claims it has the potential to become a full-blown travel warning.

“Travel Alerts are issued to disseminate information about short-term conditions, either transnational or within a particular country, that pose significant risks to the security of U.S. citizens.” according to the U.S. State Department.

The situation is upgraded to a “Travel Warning” when “long-term, protracted conditions that make a country dangerous or unstable lead the State Department to recommend that Americans avoid or consider the risk of travel to that country. A Travel Warning is also issued when the U.S. Government’s ability to assist American citizens is constrained due to the closure of an embassy or consulate or because of a drawdown of its staff.”

The State Department stated that “rogue operators” inside the government accomplished a silent coup in America which has undermined personal liberty as the primary reason for issuing the alert. They claim that this coup has been underway for well over a decade, but has only become noticeable to the general public in the last few years. They said that the coup is so pervasive that nearly all elected officials may be involved.

An anonymous official at the State Department boldly stated that they can no longer guarantee that U.S. citizens will be “secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures” as preserved by the Fourth Amendment of the United States Constitution.

The State Department warned that all U.S. citizens entering the United States from international flights will face probing questions as to their reasons for traveling abroad and be thoroughly searched before clearing customs. The now-absent concept of “innocent until proven guilty” then takes on new meaning if they have a connecting flight.

Travelers will be forced to go through a full-body scanner which takes and records a detailed digital scan of each traveler to be used for flash identification in the future, while also soaking them with radiation levels said to contribute to cancer. Even more insidious, if citizens choose to “opt out” of the scanners they are to be made an example of by being pulled out of the line for physical inspection which includes groping of private parts and occasional strip-searching.

Although these measures would have been unthinkable in America’s recent past, they have been in place for some time and they were not the trigger for the travel alert, but rather they’re cited as a small symptom of the coup cited by the State Department.

The main trigger came because of the cabal’s recent passing of the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA) which declares American soil a war zone allowing for Martial Law, indefinite detention and torture of U.S. citizens without charge or trial, and which funds a massive expansion of TSA checkpoints within the United States. Americans should expect these invasive checkpoints “on highways, in bus and train terminals, at sport events and even high school prom nights.”

In turn, they warned that citizens’ physical and digital movements will be tracked, traced, and databased without warrants or even probable cause to identify and detain Americans who appear to do anything out of the ordinary.

In addition to no longer being able to protect the privacy rights guaranteed to Americans under the Fourth Amendment, the State Department warned that the NDAA also criminalizes speech, citing that one can now be detained for “belligerent” speech against the stated goals of the cabal. The State Department also cited the violent crackdown on peaceful “Occupy” protesters as one of the “significant risks to the security of U.S. citizens” under the travel alert.

Consequently, they bluntly asserted that the government can no longer protect the free exercise of religion, or the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances previously secured by the First Amendment to the Constitution.

In short, travelers should take extra precaution when moving about the United States so as not to appear to be a terror threat to the cabal. They issued a full list of characteristics that are being targeted and should be avoided at all costs. The consequences of getting caught attempting to exercise your rights will be severe.

The same anonymous official at the State Department said, “Hopefully this is just a short-term condition as indicated by travel alerts, but if this dangerous destabilization becomes protracted we’ll have to upgrade this announcement to a travel warning.”

“Unfortunately, the U.S. Government’s ability to assist American citizens is constrained due to a drawdown of its staff who respect their oath to the Constitution,” he added, foreshadowing the need for the upgraded status.

On a lighter note he claimed, “America is still a great place to spend the holidays and stores still have an abundance of $200 sneakers as long as you don’t mind navigating the zombie mobs and pepper spray to get them.”

(Obviously this is not a real news story, but it represents my only Christmas wish — that officials in the United States government awaken to what their “bosses” are doing to our beloved nation. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!)